the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
