I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
