I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think my vagina is haunted
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
