Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
