highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
