I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
