omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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