Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
