Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
