Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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