I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
