We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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