if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
