Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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