You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Randomize
