Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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