I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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