remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
