We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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