I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
