when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
