You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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