you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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