I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
