the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
