So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
