chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
