Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
