Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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