I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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