I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
