I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
