Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
