Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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