So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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