Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
