i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize