drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We're too hungover to prance.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
