P.S. I can't hear my feet
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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