He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
