she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize