Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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