everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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