I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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