I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Pooping to opera.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
