I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
