I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
