She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize