She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
