My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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