God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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