You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
