the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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