I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
