I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
