smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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