u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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