ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
